That's my song !

It’s a regular day. You are busy with the routine chores, the clutter of everyday life strewn all around you. You are engaged in completing a jigsaw puzzle, putting together pieces; sometimes trying to create a new picture altogether. And suddenly a tune echoes somewhere near you. You stop. Raptured. Enamored. Captivated by the intensity with which the melody touches the chords of your heart. It is strange how a song, written by some stranger somewhere; a tune composed by someone unrelated, unknown, cuts across the deepest recesses of your hear and stirs your soul. You feel an instant connection with the words, the music, the interplay of melodic chords that create a divine symphony. Sometimes it is almost like it’s written for you. The very words you keep away from speaking to yourselves, the very melodies that you “unlisten” even when you can hear them all around you!

Such is the power of music and songs. They make you talk to yourself; they make you aware of the sound of silence around you and they make you conscious of what your heart really desires. Haven’t there been times when we listen to a song and instantly leave our world of mere “survival” to reach a world where we “live” with our thoughts, our very own dreams and desires.  How many times has it so happened that you instantaneously, in a reflex go, “That’s my song!” Funny it is, how we can associate songs with ourselves, with the people around us, with the places we have been to and with our thoughts and fears and fantasies!

Songs…..they ache and soothe our heart; they stir and satisfy our soul; they make us dance and sometimes leave us motionless……Songs!

And as I end this, those playing on my playlist, “my songs” are:

Aoge jab tum o saajna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwnCMv--L9Y

Titliyaan http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWr9BXBXxek

Kaminey title http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te374eAaA3w

Tears in heaven http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRsJlAJvOSM

Ye safar bahut hai kathin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tbJdWxOhuA

Roobaro http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8Ni_NStSxU

And of course the list goes on..... :) 

  

ख़ामोशी का शोर

इस खामोशी के शोर में गुम सी गयी है मेरी खुद के आवाज़

वो पल जो गुज़र गए, कुछ अनकही, अनसुनी सी सिसक छोड़ गए हैं

ये पल जो यहाँ, अभी है, बहुत कुछ कहना चाहता है

लेकिन ख़ामोशी के शोर में इसकी आवाज़ दब सी गयी है !


इस ख़ामोशी के शोर में, मेरे कानों में कुछ लव्ज़ गूंजते हैं

होठों तक आते हैं,
 
इस शोर में वो अपनी आवाज़ ढूंढ़ रहे हैं

लेकिन ख़ामोशी का ऐसा कोलाहल मचा है चारों ओर

की मेरी खुद की आवाज़ गुम सी गयी है !


इस ख़ामोशी के शोर में
, 
एक गर्जन भी है, एक रुदन भी
 
बहुत सी आवाजें जैसे अपना अस्तित्व खोज रही हैं

लेकिन ख़ामोशी का ऐसा कोलाहल मचा है चारों ओर
 
की शब्दों का मतलब, उनके मायने ही जैसे गुम से गए हैं !


गूंजती, सुबकती, सिसकती, हंसती, चिचियाती,

कई तरह की आवाजें है ये

लेकिन ख़ामोशी के शोर में, आज सब चुप हैं !

It's a funny feeling, nostalgia !

Nostalgia is a funny feeling. It fills your insides with warmth, yet leaves you all frozen at the outside. Something inside you stirs intensely, yet you sit motionless... it's a funny feeling, this nostalgia !

Today, I stand at threshold ( was at one when I finished school, one when I finished college, looks like the threshold is pretty dynamic :P ). However, this particular "threshold" is different. Till now I was moving from being a school girl to a college-going teenager to a first-time hosteler, but now from this threshold onwards, I am an ADULT - going by the demographic definition, no longer a dependent but an individual responsible for my own self. This thought is both liberating and scary....okay maybe scary is too superlative a word but definitely anxiety-ridden. So, from now on I would be responsible for all the decisions I make, I would be expected to think objectively and yeah, I would be expected to act in a "mature" manner. Now THAT is a fuzzy area for me. You see I never quite understood what exactly this "level of maturity" means ! Does this mean that from now on I am forbidden to make mistakes? Or that everything that I do would be measured on a scale of costs and benefits and appraised accordingly? Or does this mean that whatever I say or feel from now on will be subject to judgment and assessment? If that's what the world does to "mature" people, I would rather be called childish all my life!

So, as I dread the though of entering the world of "worldly wise, mature adults", I am gripped by the nostalgia of childhood, teenage and "hostel-age". Memories of childhood and teenage have become a part of my mental scrap-book now but those of the hostel-age are still dewy-fresh; I guess it's time for them to be pinned to the album as well! However, I can still see the fresh colours of those moments, maybe that explains the moisture in my eyes. There's no checking the timetable now, no setting up the bag for tomorrow's classes, no looking forward to the latest class gossip, no power naps between class breaks, no sports fests or cultural fests to look forward to. No 3 am maggi with dorm mates, no night-long gossip sessions with my girlfriends, no "looking for excuses to go to Rambhai", no midnight buffets and morning breakfast, no RGgiri, no arguments over ordering in from McDs or Birmies...

Nostalgia is a funny feeling. It holds you back, yet gives you the strength to move towards a new 'morrow. Something inside you tells you its all gone forever, yet you know you can relive the moments 'cos they belong to you... it's a funny feeling, nostalgia !

On this side of the mirror

Sometimes I find myself staring at a blank sheet of paper, a pen in my hand and fingers itching to write. I give it a thought, scribble something, quickly read it and immediately tear the paper into bits and pieces; to be flown away with the breeze into no where. And I immediately go back to my daily chores and tasks, brushing aside my thoughts and pushing them away to the deep recesses of my mind and heart.

This is not something which is a routine of sorts, however I cannot deny the fact that there are parts of my "self" that I keep hidden from "myself". I doubt if many of you out there do it, I mean most of us usually tap ourselves on the back for "knowing" ourselves inside out. We claim to know our strengths and weaknesses, our fantasies and fears, our shrieks and silences. Yet, for me I seem to be on an eternal quest, a continuous journey where I discover something new about myself at each turning point. It may not particularly be good or bad (I think such binary objectivity falls short of human psychology and its explanations), it is new nevertheless. I do not necessarily cling to all of these "findings" or "discoveries" about myself. Some of them tend to be a bolt from the blue, literally. It is amazing to suddenly realise that I "myself" have nurtured so many stereotypes and notions about my "self" and have been living with those happily. But bam ! one little incident happens and I realise how little we know of our selves. So we talk and act and preach and play along like that one in the mirror we see ourselves to be. We have notions and ideas about how that "me" in the mirror reacts to things, how she feels about people and/or situations, what she dreams, what she wants. Yet, one fine day, along this journey we realise that the "me" is on THIS side of the mirror and not THAT side ! This "ME" does not always need to be rational, logical, understanding, balanced, calm, thoughtful..... The "Me" on this side of the mirror would want to be a little stupid at times, she would want to enjoy the independence to make mistakes and not be judged, she would want to revel in the luxury of listening to her heart and not being called heartless, she would want to spend time with herself alone and yet not be left lonely.....she does not want to know herself. The me on this side of the mirror wants to discover herself every single day !

I search for tomorrow

In some scattered pieces around,

I search for tomorrow.

In some shadows that surround,

I search for tomorrow.

Happiness abounds, smiles and cheers all around,

but in my moments of silence,

I search for tomorrow.

Its sunny, its warm; the soft breeze flows along,

yet in that lull of the evening,

I search for tomorrow.

It's a peaceful night, followed by an eventful morning,

it's a day that chugs along at a tranquil pace.

And within the mundane-ness of my chores,

I search for tomorrow.

I live and I love; I speak and I sing,

I smile and I cry; I enjoy and I grumble

yet in those moments when I play the real "me"

I search for tomorrow !

Har ek friend zaroori hota hai !

Your first failure, your first heartbreak. Your worst hair day, your most embarrassing faux pas. Your first feeling of "high"ness, your fall into the deepest of abyss................. Funny how you share the lowest points of your life with people you call FRIENDS ! No matter how well you do in life, how many greenbacks you earn, how many accolades you win, the person with whom you share your "sinking" feeling with is that friend of yours. The one who's been standing there all this while, without you even noticing, the person on whose shoulders who rested your head umpteen times without even being thankful once. Sometimes you were sad, sometimes depressed, sometimes anxious, sometimes scared..... and sometimes just plain tired. All you did was retire into that corner and rest your head against the wall until he/she came, gently slid their the fingers into your frail ones, clutched it tight and walked with you a mile. Quietly, no questions asked, no suggestions made, no advice given. No "told-you-so" remarks, no "what-do you-think-you-were-doing" accusations.....they just walk along until your feet gather pace and you are all set to tread the path on your own.

I find it rather funny and intriguing at the same time that how someone with whom you share your fears and fantasies, your failures and futility seems to disappear just when you have settled in your comfortable, cosy little world ! Wasn't he/she the one who led you from the reluctance to readiness? Weren't they the ones with whom you shared your inferiority complexes without the fear of being judged? Weren't they the ones who always said "hey buddy, hope you have the greatest time ever"? Then why is it that sometimes we just very comfortably, very simply fail to engage them in our happiness. So, we enter this new world, shake new hands, enjoy the hi-5s and the good times....... and just don't bother to see around if that friend is there. Has it happened to any of you that we become so used to that shoulder always being there, we actually take it to that corner we sometimes retreat to and just leave it there ; comfortable with the fact that "kahan jaayega, it is mine only".

And then one day, when the party is over, when the music is turned off and all your "buddies" go back home you grope in that corner, searching frantically for that clutch of the hand, that shoulder you so desperately want to rest on. Yes, you do want to share the fun of the party that just got over, you want to engage him/her in the bubble of mirth and celebration that just burst. Yes, you do want to share your joy, your happiness, your "day of glory". Yes, you so genuinely want to share the fun....yet there's no one to listen now.

Not that no one waited. Of course, someone was waiting......waiting to be invited in ! Yet, in the jubilation and cacophony, while you may not have knowingly meant it, you just forgot to extend your hand. Yes, you have wronged, you have messed up, you have delayed it beyond repair.
But just one time, gather that courage and take that step forward. Hug it out ! You know your "cosy, comfortable " little world would only be a self-satisfying mirage of sorts if you lose that shoulder of support.
FRIENDS....... they always listen.....because they are the only people who know all about you and still tolerate you......because they would forgive you and say "kameene, tu hai hi aisa" !

As everyone went gaga over “Zindagi na milegi dobara” I couldn’t resist my temptation to go and watch it (not that the trio of lead actors was not appealing enough). The viral fever of the movie was just too much to ignore and there I was with a packet of Uncle Chipps in my hand, ready for the movie.  I would do a grave injustice to my  honesty if I admit that the movie blew me over. It didn’t, yes.... that’s what it is. I wasn’t all “ O Wow ! what a movie”. But one thing is for sure. The movie sure got me thinking....thinking not about something that I have never thought about; but to think of something which I, actually we all, in a way, think about most of the time. I guess, that’s a lot of “thinking” and “thought”:P

But that’s the thing! It’s all about the inexplicable, incomprehensible, the baffling and perplexing “WHAT IF!”

What if I don’t get this job? What if I lose this job? What if my girlfriend rejects me? What if my Dad doesn’t accept my choice of career? What if I make a mistake? What if..........????

This and loads of other “What ifs” float in our mind all the time, without even our realizing it. All our decisions, all our actions seem to be contingent upon outcome of certain pre-conceived scenarios. What we do and/or what we don’t do inevitably depend upon a seemingly foreseeable outcome. I see “seemingly” because that what they end up being....Outcomes that “seem” to be something else but their exact nature is not known. Ironically, most part of our lives is spent in “weighing up” the analysis of our actions and still we blame “impulse” for most of the screw-ups in our lives.....

Close your eyes for just a minute and think when was it that you truly did something on “impulse”, just because you “WANTED TO DO IT”, just because your heart said “GO FOR IT”....didn’t give even a second’s thought to any kind of “what if”! There would hardly be anyone among us who unabashedly and forthrightly takes that leap of faith. We are often fettered by the chains of numerous “what ifs” surrounding us and checking our flight to fantasy at each juncture, curtailing us from exploring the widest sky and the farthest horizon.

Each one of us has that one, tiniest, littlest seed of desire within us. That one thing which we have always wanted to do, always wanted to say, always wanted to feel...That desire of “I WISH” that all of us subconsciously nurture in the deepest recesses of our hearts. For once, let go of all the “what ifs”, loosen yourself from the shackles of fear and apprehension.  I would take a cue from some of the best lines of the movie I mentioned in the beginning.... lines which left me motionless and wide eyed and yet stirred every chord of my heart:

Jo apni aankhon mein
Hairaniyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum
Dilon mein tum apni
Betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum


And as Ayush would put it......"ab nahi toh kab"....