ये बूँदें नहीं, कोई दास्तान झर रही है बादलों से ....

ये बूँदें नहीं यादें बरस रही हैं 

कुछ ख्वाब बरस रहे हैं, 

जैसे कोई दास्तान झर रही है बादलों से .....

कभी तीरों से नोकदार और बेसब्र है 

छम छम करके जैसे एक पल में सारी कहानी समेटना चाहती हो 

कभी हलकी सी, ठंडी सी बौछार है 

सब्र से जैसे हर ख्वाब को संभाल के रखना  चाहती हो 

ये बूँदें नहीं, कोई दास्तान  झर रही है बादलों से ....

पहली बूँदें जो पड़ी 

तो जमीं की तपन जज़्ब कर गयी, जैसे बेवजह की यादों को भाप करना चाहती हो 

फिर लगातार गिरती ही रही 

जैसे कुछ ताज़ा से ख़्वाबों को जमा करके रखना चाहती हो 

कभी अपनी रफ़्तार से आँखों को धुंधला रही हैं 

कभी एक धुला सा नज़ारा बन कर आँखों में ख्वाहिशें भर रही हों  

ये बूँदें नहीं, कोई दास्तान झर रही है बादलों से ....

बेहतर होगा

जो गिरहें खुल चुकी है, क्या उन्हें बार- बार गांठना ठीक है?
या बेहतर होगा उन्हें बंधन से रिहा कर देना
जो डोर छूट चुकी है, क्या उसकी ओर लपकना ठीक है?
या बेहतर होगा अपने पैरों तले की ज़मीन को पकडे रखना

आसां नहीं है एक नया आसमान तलाश्ना
या सूखी रेत से एक छत तामीर करना
लेकिन जो टीले ढेह चुके हैं, क्या उनकी मिटटी समेटना ठीक है?
या बेहतर होगा धुप और बारिश से समझौता कर लेना

मुमकिन नहीं है गुज़रे पल को एक नयी शक्ल देना
या आने वाले कल को शीशे में उतार लेना
लेकिन वो जिसे तकदीर कहते हैं, क्या उस से रूठ के बैठना ठीक है?
या बेहतर होगा अपने हिस्से के पलों से एक ज़िन्दगी खड़ी करना

As "they" say !!!!

They say the best way to enjoy the journey is to soak in the sense of milestones along the way instead of focusing solely on the destination; they say the best way to win is to compete whole heartedly instead of  struggling to outrun the rats in the race. They say the best way to live life is to collect the moments and savour the today instead of hoping, expecting, worrying, anticipating, imagining and presuming the tomorrow.

Sometimes I really want to go out in search of these “they” people.  Do “they” really just drive along, amble away and reach their destination by co-incidence? Do “they” actually compete as a form of past-time, putting their mind, soul, time (and money maybe!) into something without being bothered of the outcome? Are “they” really capable of putting behind moments and least perturbed of the forthcoming, that all of them is contained in the present? Honestly, if “they” do exist, I would guess “they” would either be a race of celestial beings else citizens of some planet with a discrete, constant value for space-time continuum.

Speaking for myself, all the journeys that I set upon almost always have a pre-decided destination. In fact a lot many times, I undertake the journey not because of the route but because getting to the destination is non-negotiable. That I sometimes end up enjoying my journey is a welcome co-incidence. Yes, with every passing milestone I give myself a pat on the back and heave a sigh of relief, but more often than not it is because I am closer to my destination. You see, I set out on a journey because I wanted to reach somewhere in the first place. Now if “they” say  that well begun is half done, I really want to know how many times has a stranded explorer been picked up “halfway” in his/her journey and commended for enjoying the scenery in just the right spirit ! I think we all search for footsteps or strive to imprint some of our own. And these are formed only when you keep walking towards the destination.

As for the wins I attempt to have a shot at, yes obsession towards winning might actually harm me but how do I develop the selflessness to put my whole heart into something and not even expect a heartwarming win ! Racing among the rats is surely not one of my favourite pastimes; but when the whole world just cannot stop raving about “animal spirits” it is kind of difficult to turn a deaf ear to the cheers meant for the winners and ignore the jeers that are usually reserved for the also-rans. I think winning or losing is a non-issue here, choosing which race you want to run is the big decision. The most common mistake most of us tend to make is opting for the wrong race and running towards a finishing line only to realize we were never meant to be there in the first place ! Maybe “they” who chose the right race were winners from the very beginning so they actually finish the race more fitter and spirited than before. While some of us who get caught in the wrong race just add inches onto ourselves, stuck in the logjam among other rats !

Now “savouring the today” is a bit of a normative idea here. While I would really like to listen to what “they” have to say about it; but more often than not, yesterday(s) is like that elephant in the room and tomorrow(s) is like that ever-inviting keyhole which took Alice to the Wonderland. For how long do I feign ignorance to the elephant and until when do I resist the temptation of peeking through that keyhole is a constant struggle. So it’s easier to live like a day or two on a standalone basis but I can’t really get a hang of how “they” live totally in the present, for the present and only the present !

Maybe “they” are the ones who really have risen above the ordinary dilemmas of mere mortals and attained supreme, eternal bliss. As “they” say just keep the dream alive; keep hitting the snooze button!

येही खेल खेला है कई बार

मुडके देखना और फिर वहीँ बैठ जाना,

सोचना, गौर करना उस बात पर , उस हालात पर 

आँखें मूंदकर किसी ख़याल की तस्वीर बनाना , और आँखें खोलते ही उस तस्वीर के टुकड़े समेटना  

उठना, एक कदम आगे बढ़ाना
फिर एक छूटे टुकड़े को उठाने के लिए झुकना और वहीँ बैठ जाना
येही खेल खेला है कई बार, उसी राह पर मुडके देखा है कई बार

रुका तो नहीं जाता, लम्बा सफ़र तय करना है,
लेकिन उसी गली से होकर निकलता है आगे का रास्ता
कभी मुंह दूसरी तरफ करके, तो कभी आँखें मींच के निकलना
कभी किसी पुरानी याद की आढ़ में छुप जाना, कभी किसी नयी याद के सपने बुनते हुए निकलना
बस उस गली के वजूद को किसी तरह बेमतलब सा बना देना
पर फिर एक तिरछी नज़र चुराके देख लेना
येही खेल खेला है कई बार, उसी राह पर मुडके देखा है कई बार

रास्ते और भी हैं , पिछले कुछ दिनों में कई नयी सडकें बनी हैं
लेकिन उस गली में जो पैरों के निशान हैं वो किसी और पे नहीं
कभी उन निशानों पे कूद के निकल जाना,
गम हो गए निशानों को ढूँढना तो कभी नए निशान बनाना
उस गली पे अपने ही घर को ढूँढना , और फिर एक आहट सुनते ही वहां से रवां हो जाना
येही खेल खेला है कई बार, उसी राह पर मुडके देखा है कई बार

That Happy Place !

Post the initial jitters, the butterflies in the stomach, the cracking knuckles and the bending knees; it is hard to resist the energy and the enthusiasm that oozes out of each nook and crevice. A harmless little joke scurries past you just when you are so engrossed in that interesting anecdote by the bedside. And just when you thought, OMG, this is the moment you have been dreading, a handclasp firms its grip between your fingers and promises that from here on things are just going to be better!

Nope, it ain’t any new hostel story that I am talking about or an ‘awesome-first-day-at-work’ narrative. This is a first eye account straight out of an OT, yep, an Operation Theatre...yes, the one in hospitals....absolutely the one where scalpels are sharpened and surgeries happen!

So I have had the chance of being hosted by the OT and its warmth for more than one occasion. And despite the ominous ‘beep-beep’ of several medical equipments and a whimper of pain here or a recovering gasp there, I just couldn’t miss the upbeat atmosphere which rubbed off onto me in minutes.  Perhaps it is the close proximity with life and death; the true understanding of the transient nature of the two, that gives those working in an OT their true zeal. For those working in there, it is just a job, a mundane everyday routine. But for those of us who go in there, we are gripped with a deep sense of uncertainty and hesitation. And for a chicken-heart like me, an OT is like a step closer to heaven (or hell, wherever my place is fixed!). You don’t understand a thing that is going to happen to you, you are under the affect of anaesthesia and have no clue what is it going to feel like when you open your eyes again. And this point, exactly here, is the one where these “OT-regulars” (I mean the surgeons, anaesthetists, nurses and everyone in there) infuse you with so much of your energy that you just let go of all your fears and anxiety. This is the moment when you truly ‘live’ life in the spirit that you ought to live it!

During my sojourns to the OT, I have totally given in to the zeal and ‘normalcy’ of the place and people who are up and about it. Might sound like a totally out-of-place thought, but I think it’s all about giving in to life (or death!) whatever it is! Why try and control things which ought to be left at their own pace and direction. Planning is a good thing but why put a condition of success on those plans? Expectations are fair to have but why camouflage the reality to see like what it ought to be than what it really is!?

If each moment you spend planning for the next and then dressing up the next for the way that soothes your eye the most, when will you actually live the moment? The ‘OT-regulars’ spend each moment doing their best, giving each moment the level of involvement it deserves. And THAT is what matters. So if you really are looking for an “art of living” course, try going to the OT once...er....as a casual visitor of course :) 

I am just not ambitious enough !

“So where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”, “How ambitious would you say you are”, “”What are your goals in life”, “what is your expectation from this job”. This and many more such “behavioural” questions often wreck our nerves and leave us in hair-splitting mode whenever we are to prepare for a new job interview or walk into one of those “career progression and employee engagement” talks with the HR.

Standard, smart and acceptable answers would range from “I see myself as a productive resource for the organization, multi-tasking across functional teams and adding to my skill sets as I progress” to “I am a sponge, learning best practices and grooming myself for leadership roles within the organization” and of course the quintessential “ In 5 years, I see myself grow with the company. I believe in long term and strong association”. However, I face a bit of a trouble when it comes to stating these answers poker faced and letting my employer know, in rather euphemistic terms, that I am ready to be the corporate slave till the end of my life (or yours, whichever is shorter!). My life is expected to be balanced cautiously against work, perched atop a pile of “to do’s, need to do’s, should do’s , you better do’s”. Any slip from the top would be treated as a cause of personal negligence and sloppy time management; and be subjected to negative appraisal on my ability to “multi-task and generate efficient outputs”.

5 years from now I would like to see myself earning sufficient for a monthly shopping spree, a family lunch over the weekend and an annual vacation. My goal in life is to be able to provide adequately for my near and dear ones and be available for them in their happiest and saddest moments. I expect that my job enables me to work in an environment where I am not distressed by the fact that I do have a personal life which needs equal attention. The problem with my answers is that these instantly put me in the bracket of “unambitious, non-enterprising and laid-back resource” who is unable to “add value to the ambition and vision of the organization going forward”. And this irks me BIG time! Why is not “living a life” categorized as ambition but “earning a million” is highly ambitious. Or why is my idea of having a personal life deemed “understandable but not acceptable” on grounds of my being a woman, “after all”!

Yes, maybe early 20’s is too early to think of having a work-life balance. Yes, right now it is all about work hard, party harder and TGIF syndrome. But why does this have to change my definitions of “ambition”, “job expectation” and “goals in life”? And no, this is not a tirade against long working schedules or aggressive workplaces, hell no!

Maybe you can treat this as my attempt to “initiate lateral thinking and encourage alignment of ideas between the employee and the employer through active voicing of conflicting opinions”!

कुछ पत्ते डाल से टूट के सूख गए हैं

कुछ पत्ते डाल से टूट के सूख गए हैं 

आवाज़ तो नहीं सुनी थी कोई, बस एक हवा का झोंका आया था 

कोई पास से गुज़रता है तो चिल्लाते हैं जोर से 

हर आहट पे कान लगा के बैठे हैं अपने 

अपनी नियति से जैसे चूक गए हैं 

कुछ पत्ते डाल से टूट के सूख गए हैं

हवा के परों पे उड़ने का ख्वाब रखते थे 

डाली से जुड़े थे तभी तो ऐसा मिजाज़ रखते थे 

अब उस्सी डाल को इश्तियाक भरी नज़रों से देखते हैं 

चिल्लाने की भी आवाज़ नहीं आती है अब, मूक हो गए हैं 

कुछ पत्ते डाल से टूट के सूख गए हैं

अब तो हर झोंका जैसे आंधी सी दाब लेके आता है 

डाली की हिमायत क्या गयी, पत्तों का वजूद ही सवाल बन जाता है 

छाव कभी इनसे भी थी, ओस की बूँद इन पर भी मचल के गिरी थी 

पर अब जैसे अपनी ही पहचान से बेरूख हो गए हैं 

कुछ पत्ते डाल से टूट कर सूख गए हैं