Sunday, January 22, 2012

It's a funny feeling, nostalgia !

Nostalgia is a funny feeling. It fills your insides with warmth, yet leaves you all frozen at the outside. Something inside you stirs intensely, yet you sit motionless... it's a funny feeling, this nostalgia !

Today, I stand at threshold ( was at one when I finished school, one when I finished college, looks like the threshold is pretty dynamic :P ). However, this particular "threshold" is different. Till now I was moving from being a school girl to a college-going teenager to a first-time hosteler, but now from this threshold onwards, I am an ADULT - going by the demographic definition, no longer a dependent but an individual responsible for my own self. This thought is both liberating and scary....okay maybe scary is too superlative a word but definitely anxiety-ridden. So, from now on I would be responsible for all the decisions I make, I would be expected to think objectively and yeah, I would be expected to act in a "mature" manner. Now THAT is a fuzzy area for me. You see I never quite understood what exactly this "level of maturity" means ! Does this mean that from now on I am forbidden to make mistakes? Or that everything that I do would be measured on a scale of costs and benefits and appraised accordingly? Or does this mean that whatever I say or feel from now on will be subject to judgment and assessment? If that's what the world does to "mature" people, I would rather be called childish all my life!

So, as I dread the though of entering the world of "worldly wise, mature adults", I am gripped by the nostalgia of childhood, teenage and "hostel-age". Memories of childhood and teenage have become a part of my mental scrap-book now but those of the hostel-age are still dewy-fresh; I guess it's time for them to be pinned to the album as well! However, I can still see the fresh colours of those moments, maybe that explains the moisture in my eyes. There's no checking the timetable now, no setting up the bag for tomorrow's classes, no looking forward to the latest class gossip, no power naps between class breaks, no sports fests or cultural fests to look forward to. No 3 am maggi with dorm mates, no night-long gossip sessions with my girlfriends, no "looking for excuses to go to Rambhai", no midnight buffets and morning breakfast, no RGgiri, no arguments over ordering in from McDs or Birmies...

Nostalgia is a funny feeling. It holds you back, yet gives you the strength to move towards a new 'morrow. Something inside you tells you its all gone forever, yet you know you can relive the moments 'cos they belong to you... it's a funny feeling, nostalgia !

Monday, January 2, 2012

On this side of the mirror

Sometimes I find myself staring at a blank sheet of paper, a pen in my hand and fingers itching to write. I give it a thought, scribble something, quickly read it and immediately tear the paper into bits and pieces; to be flown away with the breeze into no where. And I immediately go back to my daily chores and tasks, brushing aside my thoughts and pushing them away to the deep recesses of my mind and heart.

This is not something which is a routine of sorts, however I cannot deny the fact that there are parts of my "self" that I keep hidden from "myself". I doubt if many of you out there do it, I mean most of us usually tap ourselves on the back for "knowing" ourselves inside out. We claim to know our strengths and weaknesses, our fantasies and fears, our shrieks and silences. Yet, for me I seem to be on an eternal quest, a continuous journey where I discover something new about myself at each turning point. It may not particularly be good or bad (I think such binary objectivity falls short of human psychology and its explanations), it is new nevertheless. I do not necessarily cling to all of these "findings" or "discoveries" about myself. Some of them tend to be a bolt from the blue, literally. It is amazing to suddenly realise that I "myself" have nurtured so many stereotypes and notions about my "self" and have been living with those happily. But bam ! one little incident happens and I realise how little we know of our selves. So we talk and act and preach and play along like that one in the mirror we see ourselves to be. We have notions and ideas about how that "me" in the mirror reacts to things, how she feels about people and/or situations, what she dreams, what she wants. Yet, one fine day, along this journey we realise that the "me" is on THIS side of the mirror and not THAT side ! This "ME" does not always need to be rational, logical, understanding, balanced, calm, thoughtful..... The "Me" on this side of the mirror would want to be a little stupid at times, she would want to enjoy the independence to make mistakes and not be judged, she would want to revel in the luxury of listening to her heart and not being called heartless, she would want to spend time with herself alone and yet not be left lonely.....she does not want to know herself. The me on this side of the mirror wants to discover herself every single day !