Sometimes I find myself staring at a blank sheet of paper, a pen in my hand and fingers itching to write. I give it a thought, scribble something, quickly read it and immediately tear the paper into bits and pieces; to be flown away with the breeze into no where. And I immediately go back to my daily chores and tasks, brushing aside my thoughts and pushing them away to the deep recesses of my mind and heart.
This is not something which is a routine of sorts, however I cannot deny the fact that there are parts of my "self" that I keep hidden from "myself". I doubt if many of you out there do it, I mean most of us usually tap ourselves on the back for "knowing" ourselves inside out. We claim to know our strengths and weaknesses, our fantasies and fears, our shrieks and silences. Yet, for me I seem to be on an eternal quest, a continuous journey where I discover something new about myself at each turning point. It may not particularly be good or bad (I think such binary objectivity falls short of human psychology and its explanations), it is new nevertheless. I do not necessarily cling to all of these "findings" or "discoveries" about myself. Some of them tend to be a bolt from the blue, literally. It is amazing to suddenly realise that I "myself" have nurtured so many stereotypes and notions about my "self" and have been living with those happily. But bam ! one little incident happens and I realise how little we know of our selves. So we talk and act and preach and play along like that one in the mirror we see ourselves to be. We have notions and ideas about how that "me" in the mirror reacts to things, how she feels about people and/or situations, what she dreams, what she wants. Yet, one fine day, along this journey we realise that the "me" is on THIS side of the mirror and not THAT side ! This "ME" does not always need to be rational, logical, understanding, balanced, calm, thoughtful..... The "Me" on this side of the mirror would want to be a little stupid at times, she would want to enjoy the independence to make mistakes and not be judged, she would want to revel in the luxury of listening to her heart and not being called heartless, she would want to spend time with herself alone and yet not be left lonely.....she does not want to know herself. The me on this side of the mirror wants to discover herself every single day !