Sunday, January 22, 2012

It's a funny feeling, nostalgia !

Nostalgia is a funny feeling. It fills your insides with warmth, yet leaves you all frozen at the outside. Something inside you stirs intensely, yet you sit motionless... it's a funny feeling, this nostalgia !

Today, I stand at threshold ( was at one when I finished school, one when I finished college, looks like the threshold is pretty dynamic :P ). However, this particular "threshold" is different. Till now I was moving from being a school girl to a college-going teenager to a first-time hosteler, but now from this threshold onwards, I am an ADULT - going by the demographic definition, no longer a dependent but an individual responsible for my own self. This thought is both liberating and scary....okay maybe scary is too superlative a word but definitely anxiety-ridden. So, from now on I would be responsible for all the decisions I make, I would be expected to think objectively and yeah, I would be expected to act in a "mature" manner. Now THAT is a fuzzy area for me. You see I never quite understood what exactly this "level of maturity" means ! Does this mean that from now on I am forbidden to make mistakes? Or that everything that I do would be measured on a scale of costs and benefits and appraised accordingly? Or does this mean that whatever I say or feel from now on will be subject to judgment and assessment? If that's what the world does to "mature" people, I would rather be called childish all my life!

So, as I dread the though of entering the world of "worldly wise, mature adults", I am gripped by the nostalgia of childhood, teenage and "hostel-age". Memories of childhood and teenage have become a part of my mental scrap-book now but those of the hostel-age are still dewy-fresh; I guess it's time for them to be pinned to the album as well! However, I can still see the fresh colours of those moments, maybe that explains the moisture in my eyes. There's no checking the timetable now, no setting up the bag for tomorrow's classes, no looking forward to the latest class gossip, no power naps between class breaks, no sports fests or cultural fests to look forward to. No 3 am maggi with dorm mates, no night-long gossip sessions with my girlfriends, no "looking for excuses to go to Rambhai", no midnight buffets and morning breakfast, no RGgiri, no arguments over ordering in from McDs or Birmies...

Nostalgia is a funny feeling. It holds you back, yet gives you the strength to move towards a new 'morrow. Something inside you tells you its all gone forever, yet you know you can relive the moments 'cos they belong to you... it's a funny feeling, nostalgia !

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